Deep in the corners of our souls lie the passion, thrill and intensity of romantic love. The love that stirs the emotions of musicians, writers and artists alike. From Meatloaf to Tau ea Matsekha, Leo Tolstoy to Amina Thula and Pablo Picasso to Marlene Dumas.
In such a beautiful thing as love, there is also heartbreak, sorrow and pain. We just love and hate in love.
Neither science, nor psychology or philosophy, have ever explained what love is. Scientists have only been able to tell us about the chemistry of love. The brainwork of dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin. Though intrigued by the mystery of love, the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung admitted that he had “never been able to explain what it is”. A philosophical observation by Bertrand Russell was that love is an escape from our loneliness.
The more the explanations, the more the confusion. Right?
Maybe this is for a reason. Marriage as the apex love is a very recent 18th century creation of Romanticism. This intellectual movement cherished feelings over reason as the path to enlightenment. Love was sealed with the simple words: “I do.”
But, as philosopher Alain de Botton explains, all this spoiled love. Love was reduced to meeting a stunning, romantic, stable, perfect, exclusive and lifetime partner.
The kind of stuff that “till death do us part” is made of.
Or better still, as former advertising agency creative director Don Draper said, love doesn’t exist, “what you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons”.
Way before Romanticism, this was never the case. People married for procreation and political, economic and family reasons. Love and marriage were distinct. Love comes and goes. And marriage could not be left to such a fluid and emotive thing as love.
Consider the church elders in 400 AD who saw marriage as subjugation. Abraham had more than one wife. Solomon’s harem was epic. Tibetan Mosuo women with their walking marriages of multiple partners and children born out of wedlock still rule even today. Talk about real girl power.
High divorce rates, the increasing number of singles, polygamy and polyandry are reminders that Romanticism’s idea of love perhaps exist in La La Land. Think of those in miserable marriages because of status, children or fear of being alone.
Romanticism’s kind of love creates false expectations. We try hard to be “The One” and fit in no matter how impossible.
But with all its ups and downs, romantic love in marriage does live here. What does not, is what Romaticism has made us believe it is. Otherwise, we will be better off creating “The One” for ourselves. And all I can say, is good luck to those artificial intelligence creatives.
Love is about knowing that we are flawed beings, and that is ok. Think of John 8:7 in the Bible.
Love is the melodic soundtrack of our lives that never stops nourishing our souls.
) Dr. Mafole Mokalobe writes in his personal capacity.
